A Lie In Three Parts

Or, Bitch Be Trippin’.


In case you didn’t know, Graham works at SubZero now.  The Stable ended for reasons I can’t physically go into right now because my brain will explode with rage.  Some other time, I guess.  Anyway, Graham opened SubZero a few years ago and got our friend Ian a job there.  Graham left for another menu awhile after that, and about a year later, Ian became chef.  When The Stable ended, Ian called Graham and told him to come back to SubZero.  Because they are bros, yo.  Practically boyfriends.

(Sometime this week I’ll tell you all about the Top Chefs St. Louis thing on Sunday.  They didn’t win but they should have, they did so great, plus Ian’s mom threatened to kick someone’s ass.  She is totally going to be in my future gang.)

Now that you’re aware of the work history, let’s think about two and a half years ago when Graham was first working at SubZero.  He and Craig were living in that shitty ghetto apartment and threw a metal party.  I got there late because I’d worked at the bar that night, so by the time I arrived, everyone else was well on their ways to wasted.  Not wanting to be a party pooper, I quickly said hello to everyone and hung out in the kitchen.  By the keg.  Because obviously.  One of the SubZero people at the party was this girl I’ll call J.  J was short, fat, and arrived with a supergay emo friend wearing a scarf.  She was also fucking shithammered and I was nearly sober, so as implied, I didn’t really talk to her after saying hello.

So I was shocked when a few days later, I heard that J had been telling people at SubZero that she and Graham had been in his bedroom (with the door closed, which is an interesting detail to fabricate) when I arrived, and I had barged in there and screamed at her to stay away from my boyfriend.

Clearly this didn’t happen because a) it really didn’t, b) that’s not my style, and c) Graham likes girls with big asses, but not that big.  I was kind of pissed after hearing this because I’d barely spoken to this girl at all and she was lying about me, and also because she was telling people at SubZero – people I’d met once or twice, if at all – things that made me seem insane.  I mean, she was obviously nuts for making this up, but how was everyone else going to know that?  I decided to drop the issue because some friends told her that didn’t sound like me at all and then I heard that J had been drunk enough that night to piss her pants.  So whatever.


Present day: On Sunday, Graham and Ian competed in the Top Chefs St. Louis event.  Graham, Ian, Shannon and I were talking in a small group when J walked up to us with someone in tow.  She introduced her friend to everyone and when she came to me, she said “Ummmm, I don’t know you.”

“We’ve met,” I said, shaking her hand and smiling because I’m polite.  “A few years ago, when Graham worked at SubZero.”

That was it.  I didn’t even say it snotty.  I was very nice and then I introduced myself to her friend, and he and I had a delightful conversation about my earrings (which were fabulous).


Last night, Graham and I were sitting around and I asked if J from earlier was the same J who had talked all that shit on me after the metal party.  He made this face like “oh daaaaaaaamn” because Graham is very bad at lying, even when those lies are lies by omission.

“What?” I asked.  “What is that face?”

“Ian thought it was better if you didn’t know because she’s the top-selling server, so don’t make too big a deal out of this.  Earlier tonight when we went back to SubZero to drop everything off, she came up to us and asked why you told her she wasn’t allowed to talk to me today.”

WHAT ON EARTH.  I spoke to her for two sentences.  Less than 30 seconds I was standing in front of her and this is what she comes up with.  Luckily for everyone who wants the drama, that was not all.

“Then she left for a little while and came back really drunk,” Graham continued, “and said you acted like you’d never met her before.  Apparently you were pissed at her for acting like she knew you and yelled at her about it.”

“But that didn’t happen at all!” I said.

“I know!  I was standing right there!” Graham said.

“What the fuck!”

“I don’t know!”

Then Graham’s roommate chimed in.  Ryan worked at SubZero for awhile after Graham had already left.  According to Ryan, J didn’t even know that he and I were friends but talked about Graham’s psycho girlfriend anyway.  Like, regularly.  And this is after Graham had gone to another restaurant.  I mean, dudes.  This bitch.  Not only is she talking about me, she’s making ALL OF IT up!  None of these things came even remotely close to happening, and she’s been repeating these stories for years.  She’s also crazy enough to repeat them to Graham, who has to remind her that he was there and didn’t witness any of this.  I don’t have a lot of conflict with females – in general, I don’t deal with many of them – so I’m kind of at a loss as to why someone to whom I’ve barely spoken at all dislikes me enough to lie about me to multiple people over the span of two and a half years.

Now, it’s not like I’ve never had my haters.  I’m used to being stalked online and (twice) in person, and I’ve gotten my share of catty texts and hateful e-mails.  I’m also pretty much fine with the idea of people talking about me.  It’s kind of graitfying in a weird, sick way because when I’m sitting on my couch in sweatpants with dried peanut butter smuged on my chin, I think about how some people are interested enough in my life to gossip about it, and that makes me feel better in a way that all of the Liz Lemon videos in the world cannot.  So it’s fine.  I can’t help it if she’s obsessed with me.

It’s just the lying that gets under my skin, and not only is she telling lies, but she’s telling bizarre lies.  She’s making up character traits I’ve never had.  I don’t understand the motivation here.  Is this a common thing?  I know spreading rumors was The Thing To Do in elementary school, but I’ve not had a desire to participate since I was maybe 11.

What is with the crazy in this broad’s head?  Is it me she doesn’t like, or is it Graham she wants? And if it’s both, why doesn’t she just say “I hate that girl but I want to fuck her boyfriend?”  Seems like a logical thing to me.  I don’t understand her.

Bitch be trippin’.


(cross-posted to ephemeraetc.blog-city.com.  Only 12 more days until I’m at WordPress for good!)

About erineph

I'm Erin. I have tattoos and more than one cat. I am an office drone, a music writer, and an erstwhile bartender. I am a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen. Things I enjoy include but are not limited to zombies, burritos, Cthulhu, Kurt Vonnegut, Keith Richards, accordions, perfumery, and wearing fat pants in the privacy of my own home.
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3 Responses to A Lie In Three Parts

  1. secretsouttamyhead says:

    I think she wants to be you. That is the only explanation. Let me know if you two are going to be in the same place at the same time and there is potential everyone is going to be drunk because that is when fights happen… I love watchin’ me a good fight.

    oh and I soooo got yo back, guuuuurl!

    GAH! I’m sorry. I’ll never do that again.

    • erineph says:

      Ian is the boss and I’m not supposed to do anything, but…dayum. I’m kind of thinking that if it gets worse, I’ll give her a warning. Like, “I know you’re making shit up and telling everyone, but it has to stop because if you continue, I am going to beat the shit out of you.”

      See, I’m kind of a giant, and it usually doesn’t get farther than a warning.

      • Vern says:

        Then she’ll take THAT comment to the police as a death threat. She wants Graham, plain and simple. But I agree she’s all kinds of crazy. I deal with a similar person in my life but she’s family-in-law so I can’t completely cut her out of my life. Unless she makes a move on Graham, I’d leave it alone. You can’t fix crazy or stupid and it sounds like she’s both.

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