I am not especially talented. At most things, I mean, the things people are generally talented at, which is to say the things that not everyone is talented at, so the people who are talented at them become sort of exceptional. I am not talented at these things and am therefore not sort of exceptional, which bums me out when I think about it.
I used to be able to draw, but then I started writing and stopped drawing and now I can’t do it anymore. I have never been able to read or play music. The few poems I’ve written in my life are so laughably atrocious that no one, not even an emo 6th grader whose entire literary experience is Twilight, would mistake it for anything approaching good. I used to be an athlete, but I haven’t even tried for the past ten years.
The only thing I think I can do somewhat well is write. Not the stuff you read here, though, because this all just mental overshare. (Plus everyone writes memoir essays nowadays, and it’s like you have to either be a millions-strong blogger or be on E! to sell anything anymore.) I’m trying to stay strong with the stuff I put into the workshop and eventually post here, and I do get some really good feedback, but there are still moments when I’m sitting at my keyboard for an hour and nothing’s coming out the way I want it to, and I think the thoughts all writers (so I’ve heard) think: You Are Bad At This. You Are Mentally Incapable Of Writing Anything In Your Native Language. No One Is Going To Want To Read This. Seriously, Learn To Draw Or Something. Or At Least Take A Shower, And This Time, Shave Your Armpits.
This all sounds very dramatic and ridiculous because I’m not getting paid to write any of it, but like I said, I have no other creative outlet. I can’t do any other things. I stopped being interested in being constantly creative sometime in high school when the only other creative types were the drama kids. They were just so goddamn annoying, like, why do you have to cry in the cafeteria every single day? Over shit like getting a C or your geocities page crashing? Knock it off. Quit trying so hard to get attention. (Although I will say that the drama kids in my school were some of the most sexually active members of the student body. I have no idea how that kind of sex works, but I imagine lots of screaming and tears and weird proclamations of undying, 17-year-old love.)
But anyway, my inability to be creative, even when I’m slamming my head against my laptop in an effort to gets the words out, really bums me out when I allow myself to think about it. Or when I watch something like this, which simultaneously enforces my idol worship of AFP and makes me want to kick myself for not being willing to put out my jar and be a living statue for the sake of art:
(Also it’s raining and I can’t sleep past 8:30am even on weekends and I don’t have PMS, I’m just very blah right now and will probably end up watching Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion on Netflix Instant because I really need a pick-me-up. Can you tell?)