A few weeks ago, Dave and I were discussing Mark Wahlberg. Specifically, we were discussing how some friends had gone to the St. Louis premiere of The Other Guys and one of them had worn his Steel Dragon T-shirt.
“Of course he would have a Steel Dragon T-shirt,” I said.
“I have one, too!” said Dave.
We named a few unintentionally hilarious moments in Mark Wahlberg’s acting history, then Dave referred to him as Marky Wahlberg, and then I remembered Fear.
Like every other female my age, I saw Fear in high school and came away from it determined to never be the victim of domestic abuse. The basic plot is that Reese Witherspoon starts dating Marky Mark, who turns out to be a violent psychopath who comes after her family and kills her dog. After he fingerbangs her on a rollercoaster. However, after discussing Fear with Stephie via IM, I realized that my memory was missing certain elements of the film that sounded too awesomely 90s/horrifyingly terrible to continue forgetting. Thus, the idea of drunkblogging Fear was born.
Last night, Stephie and Christy came over to get drunk and comment on Fear. Feel free to get your own copy and watch along (like you’re a teenage pothead and kicking it Dark Side of the Moon/Wizard of Oz-style).
(Possibly I should mention what everyone was drinking? I had beer and infused vodka, Christy had a gigantic bottle of white zin she left at my house months ago, and Stephie brought her little bottles of shame, ie personal-sized bottles of Riesling. Also she brought her breathalyzer. Which she bought at Walgreen’s. So don’t go nuts on the court-ordered stuff.)
Everyone settles on the couch. Erin picks up the DVD.
Erin: Tagline: “Together forever. Or else.” Heh. I should mention that after I asked for this movie on Facebook, the person who wrote back was a dude. DVD on widescreen, too.
Stephie: Erin is having more trouble setting up her own television than my high school social studies teacher.
(Note: I was not having trouble setting up my own television. I just didn’t realize I hadn’t used my DVD player since Netflix Instant on the Wii came into my life.)
Stephie: This score really sounds like a post – apocolyptic alien movie. I AM NOT SPELL CHECKING
(That’s the last time I don’t correct spelling, I swear. Please know that we were already buzzed and I thought it was really funny.)
Erin: Whoa, nice house. Do they live in a resort or something? OH OF COURSE the opening scene is Reese Witherspoon in the shower. TEENAGE PRONOGRAPHY.
(Okay, fine, that was the last time.)
Erin: What does her dad do for a living, I forget. This is a gated community and his workout routine is jogging in the jungle. Oh, and it’s Gil Grissom.
(Note: I imagine I’m the only one weird enough to know this, but William Peterson was also Pat Garrett in Young Guns II, which Jon Bon Jovi was in for all of 2 seconds before he was shot. Apparently he was a friend of Emilio Estevez’s and did the score. CONTINUE.)
Christy: I’m running for life. WITH MY SHIRT TUCKED IN.
(Nicole enters wearing babydoll dress and stripper Mary Janes. Socks frilly like a pedophile’s dream. Everyone tee-hees over Reese Witherspoon’s dress and socks. Gil concurs.)
Erin: Ha, teenagers! “I’m the one who has to ask permission to breathe.” Also, dog whistle foreshadowing!
Christy: (angry that some salsa has dropped off her chip) What the fuck’s wrong with the dip now?
Erin: Awww, the kid called Gil “Dad.” Heartwarming for blended families everywhere.
Stephie: Oh, Gil is an architect. I’ve never met one in real life but every movie has one.
Erin: This is something I remember…they cut school at 9am and go to a bar. It is PACKED. What the fuck, Seattle?
Stephie: Oh, performance fleece.
Erin: Why does this bar have smoked turkey sandwiches and chocolate cake to go?
(Alyssa Milano’s character, Margo, is already getting all horned up over a group of guys playing pool. She says “ooh la la” about a chubby, hairy dude who looks kind of like a hobo.)
Stephie: Apparently Alyssa Milano prefers “bears”.
(Stephie’s note: Marky Mark appears. We woo, then laugh at his tucked-in shirt.)
Erin: His outfit is somewhat similar to Lauryn Hill’s outfit in the choir competition scene of Sister Act 11. At least when it comes to the size of the belt buckle.
Erin: Alyssa Milano – Everyone’s slutty best friend since 1993.
Erin: (after Alyssa Milano’s mother tells her daughter she’ll be registered under some dude’s name at a local hotel) Possibly because her mother is an escort.
(Stephie’s note: Everyone marvels that Reese’s hair isn’t moving in the convertible.)
Stephie: God, I keep typing “Reece” like the peanut butter cups.
Erin: I like how Gil Grissom barely has time for his family in the beginning, but will learn to make time to KICK SOME ASS later on. I bet.
(Microsoft Word dings at me.)
Stephie: By the end of this, you’re going to be drunk and like, “Shut up, Word!”
Stephie: But then you’ll get along and be like “Word, Word.”
Stephie: OOH a RAVE! This was the first R movie I illegally snuck into, you know.
Erin: This actually looks quite accurate for a rave. I didn’t go to one until three years after this movie, but the Midwest is always a few years behind the coasts. Ooh look, boys making out!
(After making their way through the rave, Alyssa Milano leaves Reese Witherspoon to go sex it up on that bear guy.)
Stephie: Reese is a terrible friend for being like, “Oh you should totally like that guy.”
Christy: I love how his opening line is “Heyyyyyy.”
(Seemingly unprovoked, Alyssa’s bear headbutts some dude and causes rave-wide fight.)
Erin: How, at this point, does he seem like someone who WON’T rape you in a crackhouse?
Christy: He gives off a very rapey vibe.
Stephie: Most bears do.
Erin: I think they get out by going through the ceiling or something.
Stephie: Like they fly?
Erin: No, that’s make believe…see! They’re on the roof.
Christy: I really wish I’d brought that Uzi my questionable gay friend suggested.
Erin: Since when do helicopters get called to a rave? Seattle is overreacting. And who starts a fight at a rave? They must have been on PCP.
(Next scene is Marky Mark driving Reese Witherspoon around in his Corvair. That’s right, a CORVAIR.)
Christy: I’m so glad I finally hooked up with a guy who has a car.
Erin: I mean besides my dad.
Stephie: Marky Mark is making me throw up already.
(Reese: “How about you? Do you have parents?”)
Stephie: “I have a third nipple.”
Erin: HE JUST FRENCHED HER CHEEK.
Stephie: That is a lot of lip.
Erin: That’s a lot of jaw movement.
Erin: AND HE WENT FOR A BOOB
(Stepmom: “And take off your makeup, you look like a slut.”)
Erin: I don’t think it’s the makeup so much as it’s the ass hanging out of her skirt.
Stephie: Did I tell you that I had nightmare that Justin and my mom shipped me off to whore camp?
Erin and Christy: WHAAAAAT? Pause, pause!
(Stephie proceeds to tell us about the dream where her boyfriend and her mom dropped her off at Whore Rehab. Movie unpauses.)
Erin: Is this Bush?
Stephie: Which song is this?
Christy: I think it’s Comedown.
(Everyone sings “Comedown” by Bush as Reese proceeds to fall in love with Marky Mark while riding in his Corvair and playing pool at that bar that lets high school kids hang out at 9am.)
Christy: Where’s Margo?
Erin: Ugh, she’s making out with that gross bear.
Christy: In suspenders.
(Marky Mark meets Reese Witherspoon’s family. Kneeling down to the dog, he says “What’s up dog?”)
Stephie: MARK WAHLBERG TALKS TO ANIMALS!!!
Erin: “Nicole, get me a Coke!” Being bossy about soft drinks is indicative of abuse, Gil Grissom!
Stephie: (to me, typing) You’re missing the ass cheek hanging out.
(Marky Mark and Reese Witherspoon are making out at a carnival. Cheesy girlband cover of “Wild Horses” begins. Stephie sobs. Marky Mark grabs Reese’s ass.)
Erin: Oh, it’s the fingerbanging on a roller coaster scene. I saw this in the theater with a bunch of hoodrat girls, and they all walked out of the theater thinking this was the most romantic song they’d ever heard.
(Everyone gags at the rapey eyes Marky Mark is giving Reese.)
Erin: I forgot she put his hand there! And he’s like ohmygod I’m drunk on the pussy.
Erin: The roller coaster is a metaphor for her orgasm!
Stephie: Good vibrations! Sweeeeet sensations!
Erin: Oh please, it takes longer than that.
(Roller coaster ride ends. Presumably, Mary Marks pulls his hand out of her skirt.)
Stephie: He’s like, ‘sup.
Christy: (about architect dad) HOW MANY PROTRACTORS DO YOU NEED?
Erin: Why is the weird bear pointing at her while Alyssa Milano licks his face? YOU’RE NEXT, BITCH.
Stephie: It’s a bear thing.
Christy: (about the stepmom) What time is it? Why is she planting things?
Erin: She’s burying her unhappiness.
(Pointless scene of Marky Mark and friends – the funky bunch? – riding around. Spliced in the middle of this scene is a phone call where Reese tells Marky Mark her parents are out of town and she wants him to come over.)
Erin: Ew, car full of skuzzies!
Stephie: She gave him the house code! You know what happens when you give codes on Battlestar Galactica? The whole human race dies.
Erin: Uggghhhh, SSSSSSH.
Erin: I like how the filmmakers don’t even try to make him look like a normal human being. They’re just like, “he’s creepy.”
Christy: Who sleeps naked when they’re 16?
Stephie: Who sleeps in their bra ever?
Erin: And he’s all the way naked already. Like, hey.
Christy: Mmmm, Marky Muscle. That’s what we can nickname his penis.
Stephie: There’s a “happening” in my pants.
Erin: No one can explain it, and then it just goes away.
ALL: Laugh helplessly for about five minutes, during which we have to pause the movie.
Erin: So he breaks into her house to look at family photos and then do it with her.
(He says: “Nicole…I love you.”)
Stephie: She’s like oh my god, this is painful.
Erin: I’m never doing this again! Penises from Boston are terrible!
(Marky Mark pulls up to school to pick her up and sees her hug her possibly gay male friend, Gary. This is the first sign of him being crazy violent, because he punches Gary in the back of the head and kicks him in the ribs repeatedly. Reese gets knocked down and goes home to cry about it.)
Erin: Great. He kicked the shit out of her best friend and she’s in the shower again.
(Stepmom, about Reese’s black eye: “Well, let’s see what we can do.”)
Christy: Yeah. Let’s cake some makeup on your face so I can call you a slut again.
Stephie: Wanna borrow my lipstick? Of course you do, whore.
(Reese and Gary are walking through the halls. Gary: “Talk to Travis Bickle yet?”)
Erin: That is an oddly sophisticated reference. I’m not sure I understood that when I was 14.
(Marky Mark appears next to a locker.)
Stephie: Agh, he’s in the school
(Now Marky Mark is in his room at home.)
Erin: Aaaaand he’s on a prison cot with his hand down his pants.
Stephie: (about a roommate) That guy looks like that guy from the Monkees. What’s his name? A Monkee.
(Marky Mark turns over to look at the photos he’s taped next to his bed: photo booth strips of he and Nicole and his own mugshot.)
ALL: AAAAAAGH, HIS MUGSHOT!!!
Stephie: Laura is really getting off on helping her battered stepdaughter.
(Gil comes into the room to offer help, which in Dad World is harassing them. Then he bends over and finds a condom wrapper.)
Christy: Don’t you have a crime to solve?
Erin: (on Reese telling Gil to leave her alone) You know, it doesn’t have a lot of authority when you’re speaking from a battered face.
Christy: And a battered friend.
Erin: Who may or may not be the victim of a hate crime.
(Marky Mark: “I would kill any man if he hurt you.”)
Erin: Mainly by kicking them to death.
(Marky Mark, to Gil Grissom when he tells him to stay away from Reese: “You know Steve, you’re really not a faggot.”)
(Gil Grissom: “…I’m gonna rip your balls off and shove ‘em so far up your ass they’ll come out you’r fuckin’ mouth.”)
Stephie: Then he puts the sunglasses on …. YEEEAAAHHHHHHHH!
Stephie: You know, usually when I yell at my dad, I put on some pants.
Erin: The way Marky Mark kisses is terrifying.
(Stephie blows a .21 on the Alcohawk, everyone cheers.)
Erin: You know it’s mid-90s parental love when your dad falls asleep with a gigantic phone on his chest.
Stephie: I really don’t remember Gary living this long.
Erin: I think he dies soon.
(Reese drives to Marky Mark’s house and watches a party through the window. Alyssa Milano might be having sex with her bear boyfriend by griding on his lap in thong underwear.)
Erin: Is she really doing that while all of those people are in the room?
Christy: Um, she’s a whore.
(Reese watches Marky Mark threaten Alyssa Milano into having sex with him, during which time the bear looks unfazed. He hauls her over his shoulder, slaps her ass, and carries her off into unknown parts of the crackhouse. Some time later, Reese confronts her friend about being slutty.
(Reese: “The fact that you can stand there and act fine like nothing ever happened?”)
Stephie: As if I’m not wearing maroon pants with a lavender shirt?
(Alyssa Milano: “You’re MY ONLY FRIEND!”)
Christy: BECAUSE I’M A WHORE!
(After Reese tells Marky Mark to fuck off for the hundredth time, he chases a sobbing Alyssa Milano down in his Corvair. Yeah, his Corvair.)
Stephie: See, this is the worst part about being a whore. The car chases.
(Stephie blows into Alcohawk, seems disappointed.)
Stephie: Point one four? I’ve been drinking water!
(Scene with Marky Mark home-tattooing himself with NICOLE 4 EVA comes on, everyone cheers.)
Christy: (petting The Cat) Kitteh 4 Eva!
Erin: Gary’s gonna die! Gary’s gonna die!
Stephie: Awwwwww. Looks like his performance fleece isn’t performing so well.
Stephie: Gary, your backpack! You left your backpack!
Erin: I know, right?
(Marky Mark flips Gary over a log or something and snaps his neck.)
Christy and Erin: WHO DOES THAT?!?
Stephie: This isn’t Lost!
Erin: How does he always find out where she is without Facebook or Twitter?
Stephie: Back in my day, we used to have to tell you where we were.
Erin: No cell phones, either.
Stephie: Car phones are so weird.
(Gil breaks into David’s house to look for clues.)
Christy: BAM! He Chuck Norrised that door!
Stephie: No, he Gil Grissomed that door. He Gilled it.
Erin: Who would be attracted to the bear? And why are they driving a Caddy?
Christy: That’s the bear’s ride.
(Gang: “Who did this?”
Marky Mark: “I know who did this.”)
Stephie: Rabble rabble rabble.
(Gil, on phone with police: “Could I please talk to the people who try and solve murders?”)
Christy: That would be you.
(Gang is now launching home invasion to get revenge on Gil for ruining their already shitty house. Confident in their security system, they try to set the code. Reese: “Dad. David’s got the code.”)
Stephie: Should’ve watched Battlestar Galacticaaaa…
(The bear is battering down the door with a log.)
Erin: Did he cut down a tree?
Christy: (as stepmom) Stephen, did you fuck up their house?
(Guy gets hole drilled in his hand after hacking the front door apart with an axe, says “I gotta get to the hospital, man, I’m fucked!”)
Erin: (re: Marky Mark’s face in hole hacked into the door) He looks like “The Grudge.”
(Reese’s little brother gets in the car to call 911 on the car phone, then puts it in reverse and runs over one of the gang.)
Stephie: This is the part when I screamed in the theater.
Erin: Meanwhile that kid is like autistically calm.
Christy: First he ran someone over, now he’s gonna go back in the scary house with people getting raped and killed.
(Marky Mark holds a gun to dad’s head. Nicole screams. Marky Mark: “What?”)
Stephie: Hee hee hee. That’s my favorite part.
(Marky Mark, who has been muttering something about this being his and Reese’s wedding day, says “You will 4 EVA hold your peace!” Reese stabs him in the back. Literally.)
Erin: She stabbed him with a peace pipe, which I find ironic.
Stephie: That guy’s name is Banner…oh wait, that’s the dog. That’s a stupid name for a dog.
Erin: So, the moral of this story is that if you’re wealthy, you shouldn’t date poor people because they’re insane.
(Stephie takes another Breathalyzer.)
Erin: What is it?
(We watch half an episode of Boondocks.)