Before I start talking about the same thing everyone else is talking about, per Alex Blagg’s Twitter: “Maybe Inception was just an elaborate inception where the idea was planted in our minds to constantly talk about Inception.”

Do you ever get the urge to feel far superior to nearly everyone nearby?  Or maybe do you find yourself really needing to know who the stupid people are, because maybe the ones close to you aren’t being obvious enough?

Well.  I have a solution.

Go see Inception.

Better, go see Inception when you don’t think anyone else is going to be seeing Inception, only it turns out a lot of people are going to see Inception.  And most of these people are going to see Inception late, which means they’re the kind of people who not only cannot get off their asses in time to see a fucking movie that starts at a certain fucking time, but they’re also the kind of people who walk into the theater, see how crowded it is, and just stand there in front for like 3 minutes, bewildered and complaining about how the only seats left are way in the front.

You should also sit in front of three people who you can’t believe managed to get drivers licenses.  One of these people will tell her friends that she heard Inception was “kind of weird,” so she’s not really sure if she’ll be able to like it.  Another one of these people will say she would rather wait to see Eat Pray Love but she heard it was a book, too, to which the last of the group will say that he doesn’t really read.  He’ll say “I mean, I read articles, like, on the Internet, I read articles all the time, but I don’t read books.  Like, I don’t read novels, but I enjoy them.”

Lastly, you should exit the theater amid people who would probably find a Bridget Jones’ Diary sequel to be a shade too difficult for them to comprehend, people who loudly and repeatedly tell their dates “I was really confused, especially in the middle?  I didn’t know what was going on with all the layers when everything went wrong.  It was just too complicated!”

Okay, people.  I don’t want to be all Minnesota Nice here, but there’s a difference between being mad at someone for kicking your chair and being mad at someone for being a purposeful retard.  So listen:

— Inception is not weird.  If the height of weirdness in your cinema-going experience is limited to stuff like Inception (multi-million dollar summer blockbuster starring Leonardo DiCaprio = probably digestible by most people), perhaps you should stay at home and Netflix old Friends episodes.

— It should be a crime to publicly announce that you either don’t or are incapable of reading actual books.  Doing so indicates that you’re proud of being an idiot and/or are somehow rebelling against the evil, literate system.  Perez Hilton doesn’t isn’t a journalist so you’re not reading articles, and there’s no fucking way to fucking enjoy fucking novels if you don’t fucking read them.  Fucking assface.

— How complicated can it be?  It’s a dream within a dream within a dream.  There’s not even a surprise sneak ending!  From the beginning, each step is described in mainstream movie detail (thanks, Rob Lowe in Thank You For Smoking for revealing the “thank god we invented the…something or other device” trick!).  I honestly don’t know how that could possibly be too complicated, because it’s terrifying to me – actually terrifying – to contemplate the blandness of this person’s mind if Inception is too complicated for them.

Mental midgets aside, though, I actually liked Inception.  It was a pleasant way to kill a couple of hours.  I mean, there were a couple of ridiculous parts.  Ellen Page walked around like a wooden doll and wore dumb little neckerchiefs 90% of the time, and Leonardo DiCaprio saying her character’s name, Ariadne, was unintentionally hilarious.  Also unintentionally hilarious was the GI Joe Snow Patrol/Tron motif of Cillian Murphy’s subconscious.  Hm.  Thank god he’s pretty.

Also I’ve been having some pretty messed up dreams lately, and some control over them a lá Inception might be nice.  Hey, subconscious, like I don’t have enough trouble already, now you’re starting with the alien abduction dreams?  And the mutant dog dreams?  Can I get a break?