Dear Teresa

Dear Teresa,

Thanks for stopping by.  It’s nice to know that I have at least one visitor who isn’t the guy coming to turn off my electricity (it’s not that I’m broke, I just forget).  I appreciate those thoughtful “I was here!” flyers you attach to my front door with what looks like 50 feet of rubberband.  Considering the filthy curlicues of my screen door grate, this is pretty impressive.

But here’s the thing, Teresa, and I don’t want you to think I don’t like you.  I do like you, for reasons I’ll explain in a second.  It’s just that I’m not interested in the Census.  My disinterest was the primary reason for not filling out the three forms they mailed me (four, if you count the “we’re about to send a Census form” letter) or replying online or calling that number.

I just…I don’t care, Teresa.  I’m sorry.

Now, don’t go thinking I’m some apathetic nihilist who sits around listlessly all day long.  I’m not like that at all.  Actually, maybe “distinterest” wasn’t the right word.  I’m disinterested in the Census, sure, but I could have explained better.  And because you deserve an explanation, here goes:

1. As a registered voter and (forced) pathological taxpayer, the government is fully aware of who I am and where I live.

2. Considering this awareness, I question the government’s decision to rape forests everywhere by sending four whole Census notices to my house.  Of course, this does not include the two notices you leashed to my door.  Again, I don’t blame you for this.  I blame the government.

3. I’m highly disturbed by the government’s method of getting my attention with its Census notices.  Printing “IT’S THE LAW” on all of them was ridiculous because…uhmm…it’s not the law.  I’m not required to complete this bullshit Census form or else I go to jail.  Piss poor PR is one thing (it’s the government, not the final episode of Lost, for chrissakes), but vaguely threatening lies – on a block full of immigrants, no less  – is just wrong.

4. The government also threatened to send someone to my house if I didn’t fill out the form.  This is where you come in.  I’m sure you’re a delightful person with a wide range of fascinating interests, but I don’t need someone telling me that if I don’t return their dinky piece of paper, someone else is going to come around and fucking spank me.

5. Not that you would spank me.  You’re probably a responsible citizen who volunteered in a civic capacity.  This is truly admirable and I wish I was less selfish.  Unless, of course, you’re doing this for work release for something, but even in that case, I’m sure you’re learning something from the experience.  Anyway, you’re made to do this in imminent-summer-St. Louis?  What a big jerk that government is.

6. I mean, what on earth.  I have a state-issued driver’s license so I’m clearly literate, does the government think I just couldn’t read the form?  Did it ever cross their collective minds that I chose not to participate?  I DON’T WANT TO!  LEAVE ME ALONE!

7. You go back to your bosses and tell them to clean up this goddamn motherfucking oil.  This is some bullshit.

I’m not yelling at you, Teresa, I’m yelling at the government.  I’m sure that if we met under different circumstances, we’d get along.  But in the meantime, please don’t feel like you have to keep coming over.


I’m still not interested.


The Very Visible Citizen in 3**8A.

About erineph

I'm Erin. I have tattoos and more than one cat. I am an office drone, a music writer, and an erstwhile bartender. I am a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen. Things I enjoy include but are not limited to zombies, burritos, Cthulhu, Kurt Vonnegut, Keith Richards, accordions, perfumery, and wearing fat pants in the privacy of my own home.
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