…or, OBCD.

ROUND TWO – Darlene Conner vs. Blossom Russo

Darlene Conner had two living parents.
Blossom Russo’s mom had either died or skipped town.  Nobody remembers because it was Blossom.
Advantage: Darlene Conner

Darlene Conner had one younger brother who she mercilessly tortured, turning him into a weird film geek who hung out with Dawn Wiener.
Blossom Russo had to be related to Joey Lawrence.
Advantage: Darlene Conner

Darlene Conner’s sister Becky got drunk with her friend on the living room couch.
Blossom Russo’s brother Anthony kept getting kicked out of rehabs.
Advantage: Darlene Conner

Darlene Conner was frenemies with Darcy, some random 80s actress who I always recognize in the face but can’t ever place in any other project.
Blossom Russo was friends with Six, and Jenna Von Oy hasn’t done shit since then.
Advantage: Darlene Conner

Darlene Conner is now a real life lesbian* with a kid or more and did a guest spot on some sitcom that shouldn’t even have been on TGIF in 1993.
Blossom Russo went to an Ivy League school and does important things with her brain.
Advantage: Blossom Russo

Darlene Conner was a self-righteous vegetarian.
Blossom Russo probably wasn’t.
Advantage: Blossom Russo

Darlene Conner dated David, who was kind of a wimp but could at least draw comic books and actually managed to father a child.
Blossom Russo dated somebody, but I think he was kind of a dumbass so he may as well have been Joey Lawrence.
Advantage: Darlene Conner

Although both Darlene and Blossom were both precocious characters in a time when more attention was given to the Joey Fucking Lawrences of the world (kind of like how I’ve done here), Darlene clearly wins for her sardonic wit and bad attitude.  Blossom could have edged her out, but those dorky sunflower hats do not allude to a wry soul.  Plus, I mean, Joey Lawrence.  Come on.

*which doesn’t make a difference, I’m just saying that she’s essentially a soccer mom who gets piecemeal work nowadays.