My job is in “Information and Business Systems,” which is a fancy way of saying that I look stuff up.  One of the main things I look up is payment statuses (statusii?), so I get a lot of invoices sent to me.  Because I’m fascinated by dorky things, I love seeing what my company is capable of consuming.  It’s a lot.  I’ve seen multi-million dollar orders for the Super Bowl and $5 invoices for horseshoe nails.  I’ve made it a personal competition (I told you, dorky) to find the weirdest invoice I can.  Until today, I thought it was everything sent to me by The Bug Guy.  He calls himself that because that’s what he does.  Flies, gnats, grubs, etc.  Gross business, but at least he’s polite.

Like I said, The Bug Guy won until today.

When I got.

Are you ready?

When I got an invoice for dolphin semen.

Apparently, it costs $787.07 to same day ship dolphin semen from Holland to New Jersey.  I’m not sure how much dolphin semen was shipped or which airline was involved.  I also don’t know why Holland is a choice dolphin semen exporter, but apparently my assumptions about the country are correct and you can buy pretty much anything there.  I’ll have to ask Graham.  He’s been to Amsterdam.

(I was also going to say that I didn’t know why New Jersey was a choice dolphin semen importer, but we’ve all seen MTV. Clearly New Jersey is the world’s top receptacle of beast sperm.)

And in response to the people asking me on Facebook, I assume the dolphin semen is destined for one of my company’s theme parks.  Although I don’t name my employer, you probably read this semi-regularly so I assume you’ve figured it by now.  Also, I have no idea if it was “fresh or frozen.”  I choose frozen, because the thought of airplane turbulence and a sticky pool of…jesus.  I can’t even.

What I want to know is, why was it shipped same day?  Is it an unstable substance?  Was the need immediate?  To my knowledge, humans and dolphins are the only species who have sex for erotic pleasure, so was there some super horny female dolphin somewhere that had to get knocked up ASAP?

“Hans, get Amsterdam on the phone!  We’ve got a dolphin in the mood and the user-supported marine mammal porn site is down!”

And I’m too lazy to wiki this, but since dolphins are mammals, where are their testicles???