Obviously Biased Celebrity Deathmatch is a new Ephemera Etc. feature based on an idea cooked up by my deranged, pre-6am brain. I hope to make this a semi-regular feature, because it’s really fun to make a celebrity who obviously sucks to fight a celebrity who is obviously awesome (or, depending on how quickly I run out of ideas, a celebrity who sucks less obviously).
I welcome any ideas for future deathmatches, but be prepared to give up your ideas of who obviously sucks and who is obviously awesome. My blog, my decision.
ROUND ONE – Alan Rickman vs. Guy Fieri
Alan Rickman has a dry English wit that makes insults sound like angel farts. Which, in the case of Metatron, may be true.
Guy Fieri has an overly emotive American bombast that makes snide Europeans’ hatred of us seem totally reasonable.
Alan Rickman is a respected actor.
Guy Fieri runs two shitty restaurants and has a show on the Food Network.
Alan Rickman dies at the end of Die Hard.
Guy Fieri should get kicked in the nuts by Bruce Willis.
Alan Rickman wore a velvet blazer over a hoodie in Dogma, still looked ultra-pimp.
Guy Fieri bleaches his hair and wears sunglasses on the back of his head, looks predictably stupid.
Alan Rickman could chew on baby skulls all day and I would still think he was cool.
Guy Fieri shoves nasty-looking sandwiches in his mouth and says “that’s money” with his mouth full.
Alan Rickman’s answering machine was on Family Guy.
Guy Fieri is still on the fucking Food Network.
VERDICT – Alan Rickman ; even when he’s a bad guy, is so awesome that he could — should — combust Guy Fieri with his eyes. It is only his droll British composure that keeps him from doing so. And that’s pretty awesome, too.