Master of Karate and Friendship for Everyone

I showed up at work yesterday in a great mood.  This was odd for the following reasons:

1.) It was 7:30am.
2.) I wake up at 5:30am.
3.) I was showing up at work.

Not that I wasn’t glad for the sudden lift in my mood.  I was.  I’ve been trying to give myself an attitude adjustment recently, and I think it’s starting to work.  No one told me I needed one (at least, no one new since everyone started telling me I needed an attitude adjustment in, like, the fifth grade), but I sit next to a horrible, horrible woman.  You thought I was negative?  You have not sat next to The Nibbler.

I call her The Nibbler because she’s always eating.  ALWAYS.  I’ve started to keep lists of what she eats and when.  The other day when I showed up, she was eating a bagel.  A couple of hours later, she was eating pie.  Then she ate spaghetti.  Then she ate a burger.  Then she ate french fries.  Then it was Cheetos, then popcorn, and then chips.  Then she went home.  When she’s not eating (all 20 minutes), she’s licking the inside of her mouth.  The sound makes me insane; it’s like a wet, smacky, weak chewing motion.  I have no idea what caused her oral fixation, but I’m not about to ask.

The Nibbler also complains about everything.  For serious.  She’s cold.  She has a headache.  She doesn’t feel well.  Her vacation time got screwed up.  Our boss is mean to her.  Her computer is slow.  The vendors are stupid.  And so on, and so forth, and things of that nature.  Literally every single thing that one could complain about, she does.  And she doesn’t seem to understand why the higher ups have noticed her attitude problem.

I’m not deliriously happy to be at work, but I’ve been on the other side before.  I know what it’s like not to have a job.  I also know what it’s like to work for someone who doesn’t believe in performance reviews conducted in a civil manner, preferring instead to call you a fucking idiot and why does she pay you, anyway?  The Nibbler makes far more money than I do for the same job because I’ve experienced these things, and she still complains about it.  Sometimes I think I may have gotten to the point of being like The Nibbler.  Had I not left and gone through all that, maybe I would bitterly complain all day long and feel martyred when someone points it out to me.

So I’m adjusting my attitude.  I’ve found that the following soundtrack helps:

I Will Karate Chop You If You Ruin My Mood Today

1. (If You’re Wondering If I Want You To) I Want You To – Weezer
2. Hey Man (Now You’re Really Living) – Eels
3. Ghetto Love – Spinnerette
4. Mini-jupe Et Watusi – Les Breastfeeders
5. Honey In The Sun – Camera Obscura
6. Coast of Carolina – Telekinesis
7. I’m Watching You – Jay Reatard
8. Hannah, Please – Drug Rug
9. I Can’t Help Myself (Sugar Pie, Honey Bun) – The Four Tops
10. Ghostwalk – The Budos Band
11. Periodically Douple And Triple – Yo La Tengo
BONUS TRACK (because the intro takes forever and the rest of it is kind of long) : Flowers and Football Tops – Glasvegas

About erineph

I'm Erin. I have tattoos and more than one cat. I am an office drone, a music writer, and an erstwhile bartender. I am a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen. Things I enjoy include but are not limited to zombies, burritos, Cthulhu, Kurt Vonnegut, Keith Richards, accordions, perfumery, and wearing fat pants in the privacy of my own home.
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