(“As you can see, it sucks as it cuts!”  “Well it certainly does suck.”)

It seems redundant to make fun on As Seen On TV items, but the amount of time and money given over to shilling this crap make me wish some degree of validity was required for a product to be shown on air.  Also, Vince Shlomi really pisses me off.

(I can’t even explain that photo.  Google this stuff if you want to know more about everything.  I’m nowhere near motivated enough today to link everything.)

Smooth Away – I barely have the time and/or hot water supply to shave one whole leg, let alone two whole legs plus my armpits plus my…you know.  I don’t live in the 70s if you catch my drift.  Anyway, I’m talking about a regular razor.  How am I supposed to devote the hours it must take to make multiple circular motions over every single square inch of myself with Smooth Away?  It’s even less appealing to imagine doing it while sitting all hunched over on my freezing cold toilet in my freezing cold bathroom wrapped in nothing but a shortie towel.  And then stroking my legs like I can’t believe they’re not covered in hair.  Friction-caused razor burn, yes.  But not hair.

Bumpit – How gross is this.  Actually, how gross is it that someone took a 1/2-arch of plastic and convinced guidettes the world over that it was the most glamorous beauty accessory since the Orange-Glo tan?  I’m always dismayed when someone gives me a whole other body part to be concerned about (fuck you, Brooke Shields, and fuck your magical eyelash-growing goo), now macrocephalics are supposed to be hot?

ShamWow – Graham got me a few for my birthday (as a joke…allegedly).  Not only are they nowhere near as impressive as hooker-punching Vince Shlomi claims, but I could wipe up messes better with a torn pair of repurposed period underwear.

SlapChop – It seems like I’m picking on Vince Shlomi an awful lot, I know, but he punched a lady (…of the night).  Also the SlapChop is the laziest excuse for not acquiring decent knife skills (plus knives are so badass) and being too cheap to pick up an affordable food processor.  Also I heard it doesn’t really work, which doesn’t surprise me considering the performance of the ShamWow.

Snuggie – I’m trying to change the channel but this blanket is acting like a prison for my hands YAAAARGH!  If you need something to keep you warm and don’t mind if it sheds fleece-y material everywhere, get a dog.

Perfect Brownie Pan – If you’re too stupid to use a spatula, you shouldn’t be allowed to turn on the oven in the first place.

Neckline Slimmer – This goes along with being dismayed about new body parts to watch out for (seriously, Brooke Shields, fuck you).  I suppose I’m just as concerned about a turkey wattle neck as the next person, but I doubt that a spring-loaded piece of plastic and a tube of Family Dollar-brand hand lotion is going to prevent it.

Potty Patch – If you’re too lazy to open the door for your dog when the temperature drops below 50, get a Snuggie.

Xpress Redi-Set-Go – Basically a George Foreman grill/pressure cooker hybrid.  Which I guess is preferable to the Turbo Cooker, which is exactly like a pressure cooker but not as durable and therefore a total ripoff and the old lady who sells it should get rheumatoid arthritis.

Extenze – I know someone who spent $300 on penis pills.  While defending this – ahem – boneheaded move to his girlfriend, he said “Hey, there are exercises, too ”  Well.  That makes sense.

Roasted Garlic Express – “Roast garlic in 27 minutes without turning on the oven ”  Or you could just turn on the oven and roast it in half that time without having to wash some non-immersible contraption for something you’ll do maybe twice before just buying a jar of the vile, pre-chopped kind.  Because you’re lazy.

Shoes Under – All it takes is three easy payments of more than $10   Meanwhile, I’ll use a box salvaged from the back of the grocery store for free!

Hair Coloring Brush – Perfect for when you want to paint stripes on your Barbie wig.  That you then wear out in public.  If your 90-year-old grandmother can tell your highlights are shit, they probably are.

Air Press Leg Massager – These are just frightening to me.  Possibly I’m being callous here, but I’ve never had leg pains strong enough to wrap my entire lower body in pressurized electric blankets and let them inflate to the point of cutting off circulation.

Colon Cleanse – I know when I have issues pooping, the first person I’ll trust to help me shit looks like John Waters refused to bathe after a monthlong crack binge.

Pedi Egg – I hear this works great, but it freaks me out to see foot shavings tapped out of it like parmesan cheese.

Boyfriend Arm Pillow – Sad.  Just sad.