Yesterday was my last day at my old job. Which was actually the old job I had before my old job, which is kind of a long story with an intermission of 7 months of unemployment.
The new job is with the same company and somewhat similar to what I’m doing now, but it’s officially full time (meaning I’m still working 40 hours a week but now I get benefits and paid time off) and I don’t have to deal with customers anymore. No more falling down drunks calling me before noon. No more frat guys lying to me about their beer. No more having to pretend that I really appreciate their business and would just love to contact them about our products in the future. No wonder I always got shitty performance scores on that metric.
The bummer part about the new job is that I have to leave the Little Corner of Moron. I mentioned this the other night, and Fiala answered with, “Yeah, but friendship don’t pay the bills, yo.” He was drunk but he’s right, and I’m glad that I still have a few LCoM conversations saved. If Brennan or Fiala ever wondered why I was madly typing throughout our conversations, it’s because I was saving them for posterity.
Dispatch from my last day in the Little Corner of Moron:
Me: I think I’m going to tell someone that I’ll destroy them tonight (at happy hour).
Brennan: Tee hee hee!
Fiala: I think that will preclude a knockout.
Fiala: Yours. You will be the recipient.
Me: Psssht. You don’t understand, there’s a lot of rage inside me.
Fiala: My rage is more rageous than your rage.
Me: Fi Kune Do wouldn’t work with me.
Fiala: Fi Kune Do is my style for fighting dogs.* Humans are different. Find me a tall, skinny guy like Ichabod Crane in the Disney cartoon and I’ll fight him.
Me: Well, I’ve never seen your human style drunk in a bar. I’m saying that by the time I’m angry enough to get in someone’s face, the fight will be over. I will have blacked out and will destroy them.
Fiala: I never get in anyone’s face.
Me: That’s because you’re a pussy.
Fiala: If I was a woman, I would beat you up.
Me: Good luck. My fists are bigger than yours and my reach far exceeds yours.
Fiala: I wouldn’t use Fi Kune Do while fighting tall, lanky people. I’d get inside and punch you in the ribs.
Me: You would somehow get inside of me and punch the inside of my ribcage?
Fiala: No, I’d get inside your reach and go to work on your kidneys.
Me: It’s not like I can’t bend my arms. I don’t fight like this…
<I thrash around with my arms extended straight ahead>
Brennan: Fiala thinks he’s fighting Frankenstein, apparently.
Fiala: Tall, lanky people can’t throw punches. They either throw short, dorky punches or this…
<Fiala throws his arms forward like he’s a gorilla>
Me: So you’re saying that because I’m tall, I can only throw short, dorky punches or long, silly monkey punches?
Fiala: Yes. I would never want to fight someone like Brennan, though. He’s a strange combination of short and lanky.
Me: Plus I think he’s all muscle. Like a lot of beef jerky.
Fiala: And he’s been in fights with tall people before.
Brennan: Well, I’ve been punched in the face by tall people before.
Fiala: Brennan, how much do you weigh?
Brennan: Right now?
Me: No, Brennan, in the future. How much do you weigh in the future.
Brennan: Well, it changes. I don’t know, 152?
Fiala: See, he’s in another weight class. It’s impossible. I would only fight Manny Pacquiao, anyway.
Brennan: <shakes head>
Me: This doesn’t even sound like a real conversation.
* Fi Kune Do has been demonstrated to me in at least two bars, and it really is Fiala’s proposed fighting style for whenever he’s attacked by a dog. He firmly believes that he would win in a fight against any dog, but if you remember, he also believes that a dolphin could kill a Clydesdale. So he’s obviously misinformed.