This is the latest dispatch from Our Little Corner of Moron. Keep in mind that this happened today, during working hours, while erstwhile professionals did professional things. I never said that I was supposed to be one of them.
Fiala: (to Brennan) If you get a dolphin, you should name it Brennan Dolphin.
Me: I hate dolphins.
Brennan: What’s wrong with dolphins?
Me: It’s not so much dolphins themselves, it’s the people who go crazy for dolphins. They’re so stupid.
Fiala: I could get behind the Budweiser Dolphins.
Me: Dumb. You think that dolphin people would be any better than those Clydesdale maniacs**? Humungo would kill a dolphin.
Fiala: That’s ridiculous. Dolphins can kill sharks.
Brennan: A Clydesdale would step on a dolphin’s face and be done with it. Humungo is 45,000 pounds.
Fiala: Can you imagine the time it would take for a Clydesdale to step on a dolphin? It’s impossible.
Me: A Clydesdale would stomp anything to death, even a dolphin.
Fiala: Not if the fight takes place underwater.
Me: Why would it take place underwater?
Fiala: Because that’s where dolphins live.
Me: But why can’t it take place on land? That’s where Clydesdales live.
Fiala: Because the dolphin would die.
Me: A Clydesdale would die in water.
Brennan: Let’s split the difference. They’ll fight in space.
All of us: making Clydesdale/Dolphin fighting noises while sitting at desks like we’re supposed to be at work.
Brennan: I just don’t see how a fish could kill a horse.
Me: Yeah, Fiala, it’s like how you think you could win a fight against a dog.
Fiala: It’s called Fi Kune Do. You’ve seen it in action.
Me: I have seen it drunk in a bar. I’ve never seen you take part in an actual dogfight.
Fiala: I think that in the Miyagi prequel***, Miyagi will have a dolphin named Brennan Dolphin.
Brennan: Hee hee hee!****
Fiala: And whenever Miyagi’s in trouble, he’ll ride Brennan Dolphin to safety.
Me: Giddyup, Brennan Dolphin!
* Fiala said this to me yesterday. I wrote it down on my notepad and hoped to god someone from the maintenance crew was confused by it.
** It’s true. The people who love the Budweiser Clydesdales are freaking insane. We’ve (and by “we,” I mean the usual suspects of Brennan, Fiala, and myself) even discussed licensing a Clydesdale Vibe. This is for everyone who needs to be told, in Fiala’s words, “They’re big smelly horses. Go buy a marital aid, knock one out, and leave me alone.” Trust me. It would sell like gangbusters.
*** Fiala has (allegedly) been writing the Miyagi prequel for something like five years now. He assures me that it will be produced someday, but there’s no word on whether or not it will be filmed entirely in his backyard.
**** Brennan actually laughs like this.