This is my friend Brennan.
He is wearing his wife’s shorts. His Halloween costume is supposed to be Steve Prefontaine (runner from the 70’s, Jared Leto played him in a movie before deciding that 30 Seconds To Mars was an excellent career move), but Fiala and I had other ideas.
Fiala: You look like that kid from Juno.
Me: Paulie Bleeker!
Fiala: More like Paulie Bleeker’s Greek cousin.
Me: Like swarthy. Paulie Bleeker goes Mediterranean.
Brennan: Stavros Bleeker.
Fiala: Paulie Katsopolous.
Me: Bleeker and the Rippers.
And so on. And so forth. And other things of that nature. (The past three sentences are only funny if you work in our Little Corner of Moron, so don’t worry if you’re not laughing as much as I am right now. Which you are most certainly not.)
Also, this is me on Halloween.
I’m the Profanity Fairy. Not being particularly inclined towards arts n’ crafts (actually, this non-talent is why I begged my mother to let me quit Girl Scouts because that’s all we ever fucking did), I’d never made fairy wings before. It’s not a problem, I told myself. The Profanity Fairy’s wings shouldn’t be perfect. So, with a pair of off-black (wtf could that possibly look like, I thought) pantyhose I got on sale at Walgreens, some wire hangers stolen from the basement spider colony, and a pair of Ace bandages (I couldn’t find elastic anywhere), I made fairy wings. I also used duct tape.
My fairy wings ended up looking more like gigantic fairy turds, which I kind of expected but was still disappointed about, anyway. I couldn’t figure out a way to make them stand up on my back instead of droop down. But no one seemed to care about the wings because I carried the Profanity Fairy’s Swear Jar and gave candy to anyone who said a curse word. Bonus points (ie, Milk Duds or Kit Kats) went to anyone who said two sensical words in a row. So, “fucking shit” got points, but “bitch shit” did not. I am nothing if not appropriate with my gutter mouth.
So, Happy Halloween, right? I’m working tonight and hoping for zero business so I can dip out to a couple of parties. In my absence, I hope that anyone can enjoy my favorite monster video of all time: