Author Archives: erineph

About erineph

I'm Erin. I have tattoos and more than one cat. I am an office drone, a music writer, and an erstwhile bartender. I am a cook in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen. Things I enjoy include but are not limited to zombies, burritos, Cthulhu, Kurt Vonnegut, Keith Richards, accordions, perfumery, and wearing fat pants in the privacy of my own home.

The Pinterest of Sex

Like most of the Internet, I recently watched the trailer for 50 Shades of Grey. I read the book, too, back when it first came out and some women I worked with pressed it on me. “You’ll love it,” they … Continue reading

Posted in I Just Can't, The Pop Life, WTF | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

This Is That Thing I Told You I’d Tell You About

Anyone remember that thing I wrote about the other day? Not the part about getting gross on wine plus beer plus champagne, but the other thing? The thing I couldn’t say? Welllllll I couldn’t say at the time because I … Continue reading

Posted in Paychecks Are Important | 1 Comment

Everything’s Comin’ Up Something

You know what’s a bush league move? Drinking half a bottle of wine, then a beer, then half a bottle of champagne, and then another beer and expecting to go to sleep without the room spinning out of control. Know … Continue reading

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The Problem With Retention

A lot of people I follow on the Internet have been posting the audio of the call made by a man named Ryan Block to cancel his Comcast service. The call is supposed to be hilarious and awkward as the … Continue reading

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Beet This

Earlier this week, I texted Courtney: “First CSA e-mail of the yeeeeaaaarrrr!” She replied: “I almost forwarded it to you so I could say ‘YEAH!!!!’” This is about as well as either of us could convey our sentiments, although if … Continue reading

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Just Desserts

(Not about cake. Sorry.) A few years ago, the New York Times ran a piece about which drivers are more detrimental to traffic – the speeder-uppers or the wait-and-seers. Or some names like that. I don’t remember exactly and I … Continue reading

Posted in I Just Can't | 3 Comments

Puke Surprise

I’m sure there are plenty of ways to feel awake and energized in the morning, but for me, nothing compares to stepping in and then cleaning up a fresh pile of cat puke. I dunno, there’s just something about the … Continue reading

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Mystery Fireworks Jesus

By posting this, I hope that, thanks to the magic of the Internet, the person responsible for last night’s fireworks display at the Ballard Community Center ball field will be to see the following message: THANK YOU, MYSTERY FIREWORKS JESUS! … Continue reading

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The Eagle of Self-Evidence

This is a story about America: Last week, I got home from work not really knowing if I wanted to cook dinner. Also it had been kind of a shitty day and I’ve gone to sleep angry the night before … Continue reading

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A Little Bit Braindead

We recently got cable after having just Internet for a couple of years, and I’m slowly easing back into it. Maybe I’d enjoy it faster if I didn’t spend weeknights cooking and getting stuff done; as it stands, I have … Continue reading

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